Life transitions and vulnerability
Our eldest is home after graduating from university. She’s done amazingly well and we’re pleased to see her - but she’s not where she wants to be and that’s hard for her.
Three years ago, she didn’t know how and if she would manage the transition to living and studying at university, but she has and she returns changed. She’s grown in confidence, learnt new skills and established community. It’s been amazing to see.
Now her challenge is to transition from work that supplements (she’s been brilliant at having part time work) to work that sustains. It’s a big change that’s feeling very daunting. It will take a while and she’ll need support practical, emotional and financial whilst she does it.
We’d love to be providing some of the support she needs in the months ahead. We think it would be easier for her to navigate that transition in community, with daily company and the sharing of chores - but community comes with challenge, particularly when you’re autistic. She’s unsure about being home for an unknown amount of time and doesn’t want it to undermine the confidence she had to live independently.
As parents we’re also going through a life transition. We are learning how to relate to our children as adults, respecting the choices they make whilst requiring positive contribution to the household chores and relationships. Learning how to create new ways of living that work for us all.
It’s requiring all of us to connect deeply with ourselves, our passion and purpose for this time, and to connect with each other trusting we will meet positive responses. This isn’t always easy to do.
As a family we’re working out how we can offer space and support that our daughter will experience as hospitable and empowering, whilst being honest about our own needs and limitations.
Can we respect her own needs and limitations, even let go of our own desires for her, so that home is spacious and gracious enough for her to try, make mistakes and try again and again until she is successful in a way that’s meaningful for her? Are we taking enough time to know her dreams and desires? Do we believe in them enough to courageously offer challenge when we see her veering away from them?
Are we in touch with how we are, what we need, what we can offer and what we can’t? Can we notice and own our own emotions, have we learnt ways to regulate ourselves? Are we willing to share our dreams and desires with her?
Life transitions always through up so many questions and require us to learn and adapt.
Encountering different life transitions in my life, I’ve struggled to know what I needed and wanted. Unsurprisingly I’ve often failed to effectively communicate my needs to those closest to me and have been disappointed and frustrated by their inability to see and meet me. For many decades I carried a deep sense of shame and only saw my failings and weaknesses. It was a struggle to own any strengths. Passion and desire was something I feared rather than pursued wholeheartedly meaning I often felt stuck, disconnected and despondent about the value of my own life. How I was fluctuated with my circumstances and emotions. As unpredictable as the English weather.
My wellbeing was often dependent on the state of those around me. When the kids, husband, wider family and friends were OK I was OK. But how often do all the stars align? Sound familiar? What a weight on everyone. What good is it if everyone’s in the hole together? Might be nice company for a while but how’s anyone going to get out?
I thought my worth was dependent on the value I added to each situation or relationship. If I couldn’t see what I was adding, what worth did I have?
Life transitions can be a wonderful opportunity to shake us up and make us consider the beliefs we’re holding about ourselves and the world we live in.
My most transformative life transition was perimenopause. Thankfully it coincided with discovering how neurodiversity showed up in our family, parenting teenagers and Covid! It was a turbulent life transition in turbulent global times, it was utterly challenging and deeply blessing. Spiritually, I dove deep into solitude and silence and encountered indescribable love. Physically, I engaged in practices that taught me to listen and honour the needs of my body and affirmed the value of rest. I learnt to live rhythmically, in line with the tides and seasons. Socially, I connected beyond via zoom and telephone with people who got me and were passionate about the things that mattered to me. It was so exciting. I gobbled up content that helped me understand how the neurodiversity of those I lived with affected them and me and a friend reached out and offered me some coaching sessions and taught me the value of being forward focused.
Now I know what I need to self-parent through the tumult of life transitions. I need to stretch in the morning and move throughout the day, and I need to be outside a lot. Nourishing food and creative outlets help me sleep well. My faith anchors my hope, centering prayer and community gatherings act as an anchor chain. To know how I am and to check I’m not overextending myself, I take time daily to reflect and pray. To maintain positivity, I keep a gratitude journal and make time for friends who know me well and with whom I can laugh and relax. My passion and purpose is to see and hear others so they too may discover they’re loved and to love more deeply. It’s work I can only do when I’ve allowed myself to be seen and heard by myself and God.
The deep work of that life transition has meant I’m now more grounded and content, confident and humble, flexible and strong. I’m more loving towards myself and others.
And I’m excited for transition in parenting, hopeful for the changes that will come. We are, and have been, very human parents. We’ve made mistakes. Some consciously, others not. We’re learning to accept our lack and mourn damage we’ve done. I’m learning to apologise sincerely without encountering shame. I’m learning to celebrate the good parenting we’ve done. We’re all learning to hold ourselves more lightly and discover new ways of having fun together.
I’m excited that our eldest gets to return home for a while and experience these changes.
I’m excited to see her discover work that sustains, I know she will, no matter the challenges along the way. She’s amazed me with her courage, resilience, determination and compassion through her transition time at university. She didn’t need us to create a pathway through those years - she did that herself. But she did appreciate our encouragement, reassurance, exploratory questions, noticings and reflections.
Parenting an adult child looks and sounds a lot like coaching!
If any of this resonates with you, do get in touch. Though you might be finding the life transition you’re in deeply uncomfortable, I love working in this space. I can be a steady companion to help you discover the wisdom you need to connect deeply with your passion and purpose which will enable you to live with more love, peace and freedom.
